15 Mar 2019

It must be Karma!

Today, I was chatting with an old friend and it made me reflect on a pattern that uses to occur with me quite frequently. I would say a bit more in the past but somehow it still happens although I do not fall in love with guys the same way it used to be before.
This friend I was chatting with is one of the cases that made me think about this pattern. I have to say that it still intrigues me a lot. If karma is a kind of “reaction” of something we have made before I still don´t know what to say regarding this pattern.
When I met him I was 20 years old or so. By that time I was a novice at Arts school and feeling super alternative, I was able to get my first job opportunity in a company producing arts events. While there I met this guy who used to be my workmate doing graphic designs. We started to hang out frequently and suddenly I felt in love with him. I thought he was in love with me as well but in fact, he was engaged with a girl.
Ok, you know that feeling, right? Yeah, it is hard… but I kept holding that embarrassing feeling throughout the entire period we worked together and had to deal with that. We get along quite well and I ended up being his friend and feeling fine with that. Our time working together was gone and we stopped to see one another on a daily basis.
After a certain amount of time, he broke up with his girlfriend and decided to contact me again. However, by this time I was in a totally different time in my life and had already given up any idea of having something with him.
He tried to date with me in several ways and in the following years without success. In fact, he keeps trying, strange as it may seem and as I had noticed today through all the time we were talking. He says that he wants to be with me till the end of our lives and he will never give this up even though he may have some other relationships in the meanwhile.  From my point of view, it is impossible as far as I do not have an attraction to him as a man. I could spend some more lines here saying what I have heard from him today. He is funny and I am not trying to hide my lack of interest in him at all. I am clearly saying that but he never gives it up.
All right, that whole story with him just came today to me in order to make me reflect on the pattern I begun this post. I am surprised with how many times in my life I have faced such similar relationship with others men in such way that I reckon it is a pattern in my life and it may be karma for me and I am trying to analyse to understand it better.
For several times throughout my life, I felt in love with someone and they weren´t in love with me. After suffering for a while I get able to give up an idea of a relationship with some of them. Suddenly after I get this decision they start to get in love with me… and it lasts for too long… they keep in love with me forever but me personally, after giving up I would say that it is almost impossible to go back.
That situation today made me think about this. He is still trying to hook up with me after almost 20 years not to go in details what he had done to get closer to me during this entire time.
So I am trying to understand and overcome that pattern of fall in love with someone not in love with me. Give that up and then having them in love with me forever. I could count fast and say at least 4 times it happened to me…
Besides that today´s case, I got to get some of them saying they were too traumatized from the past relationship so they could not stay with me even clearly in love. Some of them may say I am too independent to them… but then after years, they come over me to confess their regret of the past. Unfortunately, it was too late for me…
Somehow I am still trying to understand that… and today chatting for long with one of them I got myself thinking of it again.
Despite all the matter, this post is only to practice my English writing skills and my personal exercise to try to express myself through my feeling in some way every day.

I thank the people I’ve related to in my lifetime and I need to practice my writing skills much more.